The conundrum of male relationships
As a retiree, the relationships I hold matter more than at any other time of my life. I learned what it takes to make that real over 30 years ago. It’s a discipline that needs constant refreshing.
I’m an avid reader of the incisive, profane and witty Scott Galloway, better known by some as Prof G. He talks earnestly and regularly about the decline in American rates of marriage, citing the accompanying decline in college registration that portend a lack of economic viability that’s attractive to women. Whatever you think about this - which Galloway backs with data - he makes what for me is an important aside. In one of his recent email blasts, he reprised something he wrote in 2017. It holds true today:
As boys, we’re trained that affection is either a means of progressing to sex (seduction) or a signal of homosexuality — which was, when and where I grew up, a bad thing. Because of bad behavior, our touch is not trusted. So most males are robbed of affection. It’s lost from our arsenal to express friendship, fondness, or love.
That resonated with me as a person of similar vintage but there is more. My father was an angry, often violent person who walked through life embittered by many things. He was bounced around among family members in his formative years and ended up in a family where my grandparents on his side didn’t marry until well into their middle age. Even then, my grandmother was his stepmother. This was a family secret at a time when living together outside of marriage was socially stigmatising. That secret partially explains my father’s dark view of life. It perhaps also explains why he taught me and my brother that friendships are a luxury to the point where he was proud of only having a single male friend in his life.
As I thought more about the impact this had on my life I read Too many men lack a real friend - what’s going on? in which author Stefano Hatfield says:
Young girls agonise about who their best friend forever is from a very early age. Boys tend to hang in packs, relatively free from such angst. As they evolve into teenagers, I can attest as both a parent and teacher, those friendship issues dominate adolescent girls’ lives. Boys have a more binary approach: he’s a mate of mine, or he’s not. Is this nature or nurture? The divide starts so early in life that it must surely include both?
Later life compounds the friend issue: lonely men lack the emotional capacity to forge new friendships, or even maintain old ones. Excuse my sweeping generalisations, but there is truth in them. It’s largely workplace relationships that are so vital to men; often the only ones we ever forge – other than perhaps with our football, cycling, or golfing mates.
In other words, most male to male relationships are transactional in nature and transitory during careers. In Hatfield’s view this leads to a question:
Why don’t men talk about things that matter? At funerals or weddings, it is sobering to witness the chasm between men who have retired and stand alone, shuffling their feet, and men who are still working and can banter with other men about, well, work.
I don’t have that experience but one that’s similar. I recently mentioned to a buddy that I planned a trip to meet an old work colleague. He said:
Why would you do that only to find you’ve run out of things to talk about inside 10 minutes?
I was shocked but could see his reasoning. It turns out that when we did meet, any conversation about our past work commonality lasted all of five minutes. The remaining several hours were filled with talk of food, family and sports accompanied by much laughter at our shared triumphs and fuck ups. It was a satisfying and warming experience that ended in the kind of embrace that’s all too rare among men.
The flip side is that I won’t attend a planned reunion among past colleagues. We’ve all moved on and there is little, if anything, I can add of value to those past relationships.
Where does this go?
I’ve come to the conclusion that real friendships are based upon the expression of a singular shred value: they’re non-judgmental at their core. It goes alongside the old saying: whenever you point the finger at someone, there are always three pointing back at you.
Taking that position was something I learned over 40 years ago at a time when I was forced to look deep into myself, becoming emotionally vulnerable in ways that are difficult to imagine unless you’ve experienced the same.
It also means that the creation of friendships recognises that regardless of the degree of trust we put into others, we will all, at some stage, let another person or persons down. It follow that being non-judgmental, regardless of circumstances, is essential to building lasting, satisfying and mutually beneficial friendships. And it requires constant work.
Recently, my partner said:
You’re getting more like your old man!
It’s true. I can become morose and cantankerous at the drop of a hat and without realising that it’s happening. Thankfully, I have someone in my life who can tell me that before it becomes damaging.
As I look out to the future there are a few things uppermost in my mind. First, I want spend more time with my son on his own. He’s turned into a fine young family man who is far more comfortable in his skin than I was at his age. He has things he can teach me.
Second, I look forward to spending quality time with my best friend. I’ve not seen him in over two years. We have much to discuss and I know there will be too little time. That matters less than the expectation, excitement and anticipation of sharing among ourselves.
Finally, it is no coincidence that my business is named Suxless Daily and that this missive is similarly titled. I have a long time work colleague to thank for making me aware back in 2006 that our job in life is to suck less every day. For me, that’s not just about improving skills but equally about valuing the friendships I hold on a daily basis. That’s where the work comes in, starting with when I look in the mirror each day and wonder who’s looking back.
P.S. If you want to see how male relationships go sideways then like Hatfield, I recommend watching The Banshees of Inisherin.
I know that this is a space that isn't about me and I'm mindful of not jumping the fence as it were, but I do love to see you writing about this, and I would add one thing that I think is important especially for the broader risks of loneliness which is a real problem as we age - it's important to build new relationships and to make sure they span different age groups. Years back a friend told me she makes a point to build friends that are 10 years younger and I am now realizing the wisdom in that approach. Thanks for sharing your journey.
yeah, we were dysfunctional family before it was invented.